Thursday, December 11

Maybe a "."

I never thought I would come back and write another word on this blog.
I didn't even think that I would ever write a word again.
A strange burst of nostalgia dragged me in here,
And I found my heart thumping as I typed in the password to the blog.
Oh well, I hadn't forgotten it , after all.

I had a dream. I wanted to be a  writer. I wrote two books that sold a few copies.  I practically begged people to buy my books,because that was expected of me. I cringed out of embarrassment, but still went ahead. Some people are good at 'being out there' and some people aren't. I've always known which category I've belonged to.  I realized something from this dream that I've held  on to for 6 years. That sometimes its easier to walk away from something, than  to keep going at it , again and again. Yeah , I am weak-willed , but I realise that all the toil and heart-break I had to put into realising this dream has amounted to nothing.  

A dream is not enough, I know now.  It made me meet some really selfish people. It made me realize that this whole rigmarole means nothing to me. It made me realise that I would never be comfortable in an environment that demanded that I promote my own work or pay for promoting it. It made me realise that I would always remain an anomaly  whichever industry I walked into, because I am very old-fashioned in my thinking.

But it also  made me realise that I am finally comfortable in my own skin. I never thought that I would see this day , but I am truly at peace with the kind of person I have evolved into. I don't think I am apologetic about who I am anymore. I don't feel sorry about the hash that I've made of my writing career. I just didn't have it in me. What matters is that I tried.  

I was bitter for a while. Not any more. I  don't have that bitter feeling in the mouth. I know that
 I have more fodder , more stories inside me ... But I know that I am done.

I might never come back in here again. Or maybe I will.

But all that matters is that I am happy being just 'myself'.