Friday, February 20

Zen and the art of Snore combat

Ok my last 2 posts (including the one that disappeared) were, to be honest not like me .. So here goes an old one that's not as intense or introspective ..when i started a blog i told myself it would never post weepy or intense or cribby stuff ..Guess i have deviated from the mission statement for my blog and
realise that the last few posts have been boring and cribby (it was boring to me when i read it again!!!) .. Darn it !!! Zulu's back and she's gonna be around for a while !!.. oh and another unrelated thing .. i totallly adore the brit accent .. esp kids with brit accents !! What, eh ?


Statutory warning : Old Post. Vimmuuu..See , it's back !!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzz....
Zrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…….

ZZZZZZrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….

I wake up with a start and groggily reach for my mobile to check the
time - 2.23AM..
And then , bigger one … ZZZZZZrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

It sounded like somebody had dropped a missile on my terrace… Well
Almost … except that it happened to be my husband snoring ….

I am still feeling fuzzy and struggling to remember the dream that had
been interrupted .. Something to do with robbers stealing shredded
cabbage from my house... The robbers in my dream had to be the worst
of their kind.. Nobody steals cabbage – What losers!!

I have perfected a few fool -proof strategies to deal with "snoring
husbands" over the last 2 years. These techniques have been
scientifically tested in my laboratory and have minimal side effects.
What's more.. these strategies work even with snoring-grand moms ,
grand pas and even pets..(I've heard that some breeds of dogs snore,
though I can't name the source now..)

Strategy no1 : "The Lion's Den Manoeuvre"

How it is done : Open the mouth of the source of your disturbance.
Open it in such a way that the mouth forms a O shape . If you open it
too small , then the source will start making yelping sounds, similar
to a whimpering Pomeranian. Now, that is something we really don't
want.
Expected results: You can safely sleep uninterrupted for 10 minutes,
after which the maneuver has to be repeated.

Warning : Don't attempt this if there are too many mosquitoes in your room..

Strategy No 2 : " Flip and rib Manoeuvre"

How it is done : Flip the source of noise in such a way that the
source has its back to you and is turned away from you. Results can be
further enhanced by a poke to the source in its rib.. Voila .. the
source will clam shut. Scientifically, this can be explained by the
fact that the source gets distracted with the physical activity
experienced by it suddenly and will assume a state of equilibrium.
This equilibrium will remain till the source gets distracted by the
state of inactivity and opens up again.

Expected results: Results vary from 10-15 minutes depending on the
nature of source.

Warning : Extra caution has to be applied while using the "Rib" part
of the manoeuvre as the source might wake up if the poke is perceived
as a tickle.

Strategy 3 : " Coordinates swapping and light kung-fu kick manoeuvre "

How It is done: Allign your coordinates in such a way that your leg
faces the sources nose. Since you are far removed from the source's
source of noise, you can sleep for longer periods of time. If your
source still is distinctly loud , you can always kick the source.

Expected results: 30-45 Minutes depending on intensity of source.

Warning : Control the intensity of kicks. Higher intensity kicks might
result in the source reciprocating the manoeuvre and will definately
backfire on the user.

All these strategies can be accompanied with an accessory " Block-out
boulders" ( common name : ear plugs ) to increase effect of strategies
discussed above . These are very effective in cutting out noise and
are made of special spongy material.


Method of use: Plug the contraption in both your ears . These can be worn
upto 10-11 hours continuously.

Warning: The device might pop out if too much of pressure is applied
on it while plugging it in. If the device is too small it might get
into the user's ear canal blocking out noise from all other sources,
forever.

So now that you know the secrets of Snore-combat, Go sleep… ZZZZ

24 comments:

Nautankey said...

hee hee...damn funny!! will try these on my dad :) and will rpovide the technique invetnor's name n adddress :P

The Seeker said...

hello!!!! great ideas,,, are they fail-proof!!!!! cos, I really need to know, has been a victim of snoring all through my hostel days.. and
what the hell. one day my room mate complained????

Prasad said...

ROFLLLlllllllll!!!! way toooo funny!!!! LOL..LOL!!!!

praddy said...

lol..outrageously funny. hehe
Poor hubby is what i can say.


laffing my heart out.

Angel's Flight said...

Lolz

this is funny!

btw I discovered a sinlge maneuver that I need....flip over...Hubby is a occasional snorer and when he does snore...he is on his back...so all I have to do is get him to lay on his side...then its blissful sleep.

There is another maneuver u may wanna try.....when ur hubby starts to snore..get up and wake him up :))) this is guaranteed a good 30 mins of sleep ...then repeat as needed...hahahaha!! *Disclaimer- not responsible for effects of waking up the person*

Cheers!

Aaarti said...

OH ME GAWDD!! dint know this wacko spirit in ZULU... :D

vimmuuu said...

Do you have those old comments as well??? Please dont expect me to comment again! I dont know if I would contradict now. lol.

vimmuuu said...

But now that I have known you and your hubby, I pity him. U dont understand, he was trying to shoo you away !!!

MAN IN PAINTING said...

lol!
nice one..
wishes..

Bedazzled said...

Vinod .. danks .. pls try and lemme know if it works in environments other than my lab!!

bharat.. Hee hee ..thankfully my roommates never snored ..hence such discoveries so late in life ..Ah, u snore too !!!

Prasad... danks man.. did u get u r whiskey and fanta ?

Prads .. what poor hubby ? what abt poor me ;-) ??.. u men !!

Angel .. hee hee .. the flip works !!have tried it before .. but the results work only for 5 minutes or so ..i shud try the waking up strategy now !! boy, someone's a pro!!;-).. but wont the source get up and bug u and not allow u to sleep .. i wake source up thru any of the strategies and drift into blissful sleep and source gets annoyed that it cant sleep blissfully and wakes the user(me) up !!!

Bedazzled said...

Arts ..Wait till u meet the others ;-O ..

Vims .. u mean thing !! i dont have the comments da .. just the posts cos those days i used to type out in a word file and post them later when i wanted .. these days direct upload ..there r more dignified ways to shoo someone out ..God must have created snoring for a reason .. wonder what it cud be !! ;-)

MIP.. hey , thanx for dropping by.. wishes to u too ;-)

Deeps said...

ROFL!Know what,I invariably resort to strategy no2!It works more often than not!

Smita said...

ha ha ha...

My mom, dad & bro all snore and when we all are together they snore in rythm...one starts after the other stops!!!!

:D

Bedazzled said...

deeps .. 2 it is .. even 2 works wonders for me ;-)

smita .. poor u !! ;-)

oorjas said...

ROFL... :-)
luckily my hubby doesn't snore or even if he does i won't know coz i sleep like a log..

verbivorehere said...

my hubby was complaining abt me writing abt him..i wonder what ur hubbys reaction to ths was ;P

Shayari said...

Lol lol;)

Strategy 2 looks feasible:D
For my snoring roomie, I try a cough or any other sound loud enough to stop the snore but not disturbing the sleep though..;)

Again as you said the results are similar to your Strtegy no 2.
It depends on the Nature of the source.. he he ;):)

Bedazzled said...

oorjas .. lucky u !!

Verbi.. hubby's reconciled to the fact that i blog about weird facets of him .. thankfully he doesnt mind and laughs it off ..

Shayari..U r roomie seems to be a level 1 snorer .. a cough suffices for these people .. we r talking abt a level 6 snorer here ;-)

noetic sponging said...

Thats cool!!! I guess the 'Coordinates swapping and light kung-fu kick manoeuvre'is apt for my room partner:-) good research nyway!! m looking for some solution to Drunkard's Group Discussion, so if you happen to come to any such solution please do share it:-P

Anonymous said...

What a wonderful blog! I am laughing over your language, wonly. Zimbly too good. I grew up in Madras and luwe that language.
On a serious note, snoring is symptomatic of heart problems later on in life. Just get it checked.

Bhargavi said...

Neotic sponging..GOSH!!! I am almost three years late in replying to this comment ..Will keep you posted on the drunkard's discussion..

Anon..Zimbly thanks,ya.whereabouts in madras? Pray tell me who you are, anon. Nothing a good diet and exercise cant cure actually.After the hubs started Pranayama the symptoms disappeared.

Sampige said...

In some other cendury I lived in Mahalingapuram wonly, seeing Jesudas wake up Swami Ayyappan and saying, ayoo Radha and Ambika are so zimble looking. Better to see on big screen wonly. Buying salwar material from Telugu Sharada actress. Oh ho, now some newsu. Madhavi amma who lived in one street away is here in NJ wonly! Married to Punjabi/German.

My3
ps:Very happy that you solved the snoring problem. Tell him to keep up with the Pranayama.

Bhargavi said...

Sampige.. vomaigawd..ore tha too much bhatki upbringing vonly. Now you yave given so much gossip matters .. Sharadha is doing javuli kadai biznez,i yam not knowing.. and who is madhavi? the one that flashed kamal in raajapaarvai?

The Visitor said...

Nice coining of phrases. Do you write copy for ad agencies?