Saturday, October 22
Jeez, this is me,now ?
I know I said I wouldn't blog much, but the last one week I have blog-hopped more than I ever have in the last 2 years.. and in the bargain rediscovered some blogs which i used to enjoy reading before . I have to thank my new best friend, insomnia for all this ;-) I also ended up reading some of my old posts and was zapped at how different I sound now...
Everything started going wrong right after September last year, when our grand plans for moving to a different country for a few years and getting to see new places went for a toss - our Visa application got rejected . We were stunned beyond belief , as there really wasn't any concrete reason why our Visa should be rejected. We later read in the papers that cases of random rejection were getting rampant, as a lot of countries wanted to restrict the number of people getting into their countries, considering the fact that jobs were scarce for the locals . We were not the only people whose Visa got rejected that day. An elderly couple who wanted a visa to visit their children were treated so badly that I cringed inwardly. Just because someone doesn't speak perfect English or were from a third world country doesn't give any officer the right to treat them badly. And just because someone has the supreme power of stamping "rejected" on somebody's application, it doesn't make them GOD or warrant them to behave badly.
Then there was a girl who broke into tears because the interviewing officer nipped all her ambitions to pursue her further studies abroad by rejecting her visa. Another family's application was rejected because the officer was exasperated with the documentation provided. I don't know whether genuinely these cases needed to be rejected, but I just feel that it could have been done in a more dignified manner and not so brutally. Everyone deserves kindness, even people who these officers think are "potential immigrants". And these are just the cases that I had the misfortune of seeing. God alone knows how many people's dreams were dashed that day.
I had almost wound up all my free-lancing activities by then in anticipation of a move. We had sold some of our stuff and I parted with all my chocolate-making stuff reluctantly .I even stopped taking chocolate-making classes (something that I enjoy immensely).Then, there came the blow that I didn't expect- the rejection letters from publishers . Even my agent who initially enthusiastically told me that it would be a breeze to sell my book came back with nothing other than wishy-washy answers.I kept wondering how much more worse things could get.
By January this year , I was a wreck and sick of how unfair life was. Things weren't really hunky-dory for the hubby also.He had changed jobs and started working almost 15-16 hours a day. I felt guilty that he had to shoulder all the responsibility of running the household and paying our EMIs when I was "experimenting " with my life. If he weren't married , he probably would have quit and taken a break to recharge himself. That made me sick in my stomach. Guilt does strange things to people.
I started applying for banking jobs again , only to be faced with no response from companies. After not having had a regular job for almost two and a half years, no company even shortlisted me for interviews. Even the CVs that were routed through friends didn't make any difference. Nobody wanted to give me a chance to let me explain why I had made the choice of quitting and had decided to free-lance/ be self employed. I had by then completely stopped logging into FB , as I started hating any form of social interaction. I have always had trouble making a friends, as I am fairly picky about who I share my life's journey with. But I have never sorely felt the desire to revamp my social life or change my borderline anti-social ways. During this phase, however, I lost touch with the few friends I normally make it a point to meet/touch base with regularly. Small things that one of my closest friend said started grating on my nerve and I decided that I had had enough of people who didn't understand me and retreated into my shell. Yeah, at that point things couldn't have got any worse. Except that we had been married for four plus years and people were egging us to start a family.I was almost thirty-one and with nothing going per plans, things were beyond horrible.
That's where art came in. Unexpectedly like a whiff of fresh air.The thought of getting to paint something and learn something new everyday recharged me. I didn't groan at the thought of facing a new day. Then, we got to know of the little bub that was going to appear in our lives and I had to stop painting ,because I had become allergic to Acrylic paints and popping Cetrizine at will was no longer an option. Of all the things that I have been forced to abandon temporarily, this is one decision I don't regret, as by then we were looking for any good news in our life- anything to make us feel better and give us hope to carry on.
A few months back , a small publisher decided to publish me and the book has gone through a few rounds of edits. Just when I thought that my book would never see the light of the day , I had managed to get a publisher who thought that the book was funny .He even wanted the book out by this month . Though there is so much work that still needs to be done on it, I am sure my first book will be out by early next year. So , hopefully , I'll have both my babies "delivered" at the same time.
I know life sometimes puts us in horrible spots to let us figure out some hard lessons , but after the last few years( especially the last year) , I have decided that nothing is important enough for me to relegate the enjoyment that small things in life gives me. I just hope that I have become stronger and will not let these hiccups alter my priorities in life.If not for my sake, but for the sake of the little bub that is on its way.
So yeah, I just got my mojo back after a long time and won't be whining much here from now on.This probably is my last SOB story on the blog ;-)
Happy Diwali , everyone ! I'll probably post after Diwali with the pics.