Wednesday, February 22

As time goes by...


Sometimes jobs , responsibilities, marriages, babies and ennui  take a toll on some of the relationships in our life, and we slowly start drifting towards silos of preoccupation and self-absorption. Only after a few years do we realize that we have drifted apart so much that there are many oceans to conquer in between - oceans of experiences not shared and of things not spoken...

And sometimes you deliberately move away from someone because you can't forgive them for what they have done to you : a stab on the back, a mean word here and a bitchy comment there. You decide that it doesn't make sense to be friends with someone who has so little respect of you. You fume and fret.Years roll by, and one fine day you realise that the hurt that made you move away from that person is not there anymore. What once irritated you , doesn't bother you or matter to you anymore. You only remember all the good times you had with that person.When someone is being mean to you, these things don't strike you- you want to retaliate,be meaner and swear that as long as you live you'll never forgive that person for what he/she did to you.

In the grander scheme of the universe holding on to these grudges, however justified they might seem is just pointless,no? Life is too fragile to be frittering away on such meaningless pursuits. And this good sense prevails only in hindsight, which is such a shame! ;-) 

What say?

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This post is a result of some soul-searching done after I got back in touch with an old friend with who I hadn't spoken to for almost 7 years. We were young and stupid and impulsive. I have an issue with people who talk behind my back and would  rather prefer someone calling me a bitch to my face.I also have trouble forgiving, forgetting and letting go of hurt.I decided to withdraw from this friend's life when I got to know that she had been bad-mouthing me to another close friend. We drifted apart and moved on with our lives. 

"Ha, one less person to stay in touch with," I told myself. 

 Maybe that was just my ego talking and not what I really thought, but in the last 7 years I would have thought about her a sum total of 10 times, most of which were perpetuated by a conversation with some common friend.Growing older makes you do strange things.Something made me want to wish her on her birthday this year (with much trepidation). And none of those mean words she had said mattered anymore. All I could think of was the good times we had shared, the gazillion bottles of beer we had guzzled, the tears we had mopped up and pukes we had cleaned out.

I've realized that if you have to say " Hey,I've missed you!" to someone you haven't been in touch with for a long time, NOW is the right time to do it ! You never know how thinks will pan out. Chances are that you've changed , chances are that they have changed.The permutations and combinations are endless!

Time is definitely a healer.This must mean I am growing soft in my head. 

Or that I am finally growing up.

Let me leave you with one of my favorite songs - As Time goes by from Casablanca 

19 comments:

Archana Chari said...

This is true, but probably I am yet to grow up there. Good times, yea - miss them.

Uma said...

It is true Bhargavi..
sometimes we break up with a person for silliest of reasons, which of course at that point would have seemed like the biggest reason. But time and the other person should also favour bridging of the gap..the other person should've also grown up in the meantime..:-)

as an aside, could you remove the word verification on the comment form? Not sure if this is some blogger bugger, 'cause I found in on another blog too, erstwhile it was missing..:-0

Bhargavi said...

Archana.. :-) you bet !

Uma.. The other person growing up is a valid point, but i guess if that person really mattered to us we wouldn't have any issues with trying to mend the bridges ;)

I didn't know it was on - have disabled it now. I saw that in a few blogs too- really irritating feature of blogspot.Wordpress beckons!

LG said...

Experience, as someone says, is like a comb to a bald man.

Been there done that. I recently patched up with a friend I had
fought with 15 years back for some reason I don't remember, and not
spoken since. While I won't claim to have become twin souls with her
now - fifteen years is long enough for us to evolve into whatever life offers - at least the nagging feeling is gone.

As we grow older, we have fewer years to spend on earth, and it is
just not worth the hard feelings...forgive, forget and move on.

Asha said...

Beautiful post, Bhargavi! As time goes by, certain things of the past seem sillier and petty. Perhaps a sign of mental maturity and some times some people don't deserve our time and worth.

Kudos to you for taking the initiative to wish your friend.

Bhargavi said...

I enabled anonymous comments and the darn thing now works! This blogger interface is creeping me out :-(

Well said.. experience is like a comb to a bald man :-) Yeah, so true that getting older brings in a lot more perspective to the way we think. And frankly, like you say .. with time you even forget why you fought in the first place !

Bhargavi said...

Asha..I think one we don't bother is that at times life's experiences just makes us jaded and leaves us wondering what the purpose is of reaching out to someone who has obviously hurt you before.. but then , we lose so much sleep over it that it is so much more easier for both the people involved if someone takes the initiative and patches things up.. only is like you say ..are they worth the time and effort? The trouble is how do you separate the wheat from the chaff ? ;-)

Smita said...

You know I had a major issue with my Land Lord in Ahmedabad. At one time she was very goos with me, used to call me her Daughter etc but then one day she misbehaved with me and then I snapped off my ties with her. When my mom wanted to send my mrrg invite I had put my foot down.

And then one day out of the blue (after 6-7 years) I gave her a call to tell her about my Son. You will not believe I remembered her phone no. needless to say she was surprised & shocked. I had in a way laid down my demons and surprisingly I have now forgotten the number.

Guess sometimes it is our ego which dominates our decision and as we mature we realise that may be things are not as important/ serious as we soemtimes we make them.

Jyoti said...

I can very much relate to it.. Reminds me that I have someone to catch up with too..

Bhargavi said...

Smits.. Wow! you remembered her phone number and all before .. It must have felt nice to have spoken to her after such a long time! bang on about the ego part - sometimes things aren't as complicated as what we make them out to be..Also I think not taking anything seriously in life also helps..This is something I have to work on..

Jyoti.. Good luck!

Vaish said...

I've not yet grown here I guess! But I have let go of the thoughts about the people who either walked out of my life or kicked out of my life! But yes, when we are matured and start to get in touch with them, old grudges/ bad memories just vanish! I've a friend who at college times was never close to me! I did not like her a lot. But today, she's one of the nice friend I have! Yeah times change and our perspectives change as we grow!

Anonymous said...

Soft in the head? :)

Sometimes we drift away by claiming some fight or disagreement. If you were really good friends who understood each other, the other person would not bad mouth you and you would not need to understand either. It is a two way process. What we try to do is justify to ourselves that we are nice human beings by reaching out and then letting go. It is sometimes very difficult to cross these bridges and think that life will go back to what it was when you were great friends. Sometimes it is best to let sleeping dogs lie. A polite hello and goodbye should be enough. I have many friends from Madras who I have not seen in over 14 years. Most are not on FB. So I have not had any contact. I can tell you, in a heart beat that when we will all get together we will all lapse back to when we were 20 year old college kids. We bear no grudges as we have lost touch due to circumstances and not due to real or imagined hurt to our selves or ego. And in the end, you have to ask yourself, is that friendship so important to you or can it be something you can live without. One acts accordingly :). I have done both. On the other hand, as life goes on, you find new friends from various age groups whose thinking matches yours. That's what life is all about :). Be happy and eat well.

My3

Deeps said...

So wonderful to know that you and your friend have buried all your differences and revived your friendship..its moments like this that makes you realize how futile it is to let your ego rule you, isnt it?

Heres to friendship! :)

Bikramjit said...

it means you are a good human being and Growing up..

good to know that you are both friends again, frienndship is very pure and one shud try not to lose friends ..

and yes if you have to say I miss you , or i love you or anything NOW is the time tomorrow may be tooo late ...

I am slowly learning to do that myself
Bikram's

kala said...

Lovely post barghavi ur right some times we think so egoistic when times pass by it looks so small

R-A-J said...

Before getting into a fight with a friend, I hav this mental test - I ask myself, "Will this issue matter in bout 50 years?"

I usually like the maturity I display by asking myself this question just before the fight.... the sad part is my immaturity takes the better of me every time and I still go ahead with the fight n then refuse to talk with her for the next 50 years or so.. :D

But I can sooo relate to you Bhargavi on this one.. I've probably stopped talking completely to a few ppl due to petty fights n today, I so wanna go back to talking wid them by my ego prevails n holds me back....

of course, one thing I hv found to really help this reconciliation is good 'ol booze :)

Very thought provoking post, Bhargavi :)

phatichar said...

Beautiful post. :)

Manasi said...

Beautifully written post, and it brought back some memories :) Kudos to you for taking the initiative and reaching out to your friend.

I guess I've reached the 'soft in the head' stage myself now ;) and like to let past grudges and present peeves go mostly unnoticed. Unfortunately I seem to have more than my fair share of run-ins with people who refuse to grow up. Still struggling with how to handle that.

Jyoti said...

This space has been silent for a while.. So I presume Dear Baby has arrived.. Congrats!